Friday, October 24, 2008

Vampires! Sexist! Sexy!

So...I caved. The hype got to me at last...and a friend loaned me her copy of the famous vampire book for teens (Twilight).

(Not long after I posted this over on Waffles Waffles, a friend sent me The Oatmeal's Twilight review. Much funnier...sigh...)

Anyway, here's my summary:

Her: Wow, it rains here. Bummer. Who is that smouldering-and-impossibly-sexy mysterious man-boy?

Him: I'm a hundred-year-old vampire with super strength, super speed, and powers beyond your dreams. I speak like a gothic romance novel and know everything. Of course, I also go to high school, because would we meet?

Her: (Thump) Dang! Woo! I just tripped. I'm so clumsy! Jeeez!

Him: Mysteriously, that just makes me feel really manly, so please trip or talk about how clumsy you are more. Also, you smell like strawberries. No, wait, heroin. You smell JUST like heroin! Are you scared of me?

Her: (tee hee) Wanna go somewhere alone in a car?

Him: How about a meadow?

Her: Keen! (thump) Gosh! I tripped again!

Him: I will save you from the danger you are to yourself! Because that's what men who don't talk much and are mysterious do!

Her: Hey! Sparkly!

Him: I just ate a grizzly bear!

Her: Wow. Your sparkly sexy magnetic manliness makes me trip over and over again. Also faint. Wait! Why don't I make some very bad decisions to show how much I need YOU to make all the decisions?

Him: You do that. Next time, let VAMPIRE MAN-BOY do it. However, I'll save you again anyway!

Her: My hero! Wanna smell me some more?

Him: (sniff sniff) We are doomed by our doomedy doomed love. But I will be here, beautiful clumsy girl. Unsleeping and nearly catatonic. Forever.

Her: Jeepers! Super neat! Ow! Aw, I tripped again!

Both laugh, smolderingly, as the sun sets over the prom...