Saturday, November 22, 2008

Vampires, parts 2-infinity...

So...I tried, not all that valiantly, to get through the other 3 Twilight books.

I mean, you know, I read a LOT, so it shouldn't have been that hard. But it was, and it took me over a month of eye-rolling to finally do it.

So, when we left off, klutzy teen girl had moved somewhere cold, wet and rainy for reasons not very well explained. And she hates the rain and can't seem to stop talking about that. Or falling down. Then she meets a mysterious, smouldering boy and for three hundred+ pages, she wonders why he's so hostile and keeps disappearing and scowling and then maybe she thinks he likes her and does he? and what's his deal anyway? and wait, is there something weird about him? and, omg! he's a vampire! A smouldery sparkly vampire! Dang, does he like her enough? Some? Does he hate her? What's up? Does he love her? Does his family hate her? Finally, for about 5 pages, a plot happens. And then they go to prom. The end.

Book 2: Depressed. Edward left. Bella is very very depressed. So depressed. Depressed. Very. unhappy. Jacob is a werewolf? Whatever. Still depressed. Bella gets a MOTORCYCLE! Probably she'll have an accident and die (she doesn't). She jumps off a cliff, maybe she'll die! (she doesn't). More. Depressed. And then, for like 30 pages, after 500+ pages of, you know, depressed, Edward-thinks-bella-is-dead-and-tries-to-kill-himself-in-italy-can-bella-and-alice-get-there-in-time-to-save-him? Yes they can. Tourists die. Whatever. Edward loves her. The end.

Book 3, which I just read, I can't even remember. Mysterious murders offscreen. Jacob and a lot of his tribe are werewolves. He loves wannabe vampire girl. She doesn't love him. Yes she does. No she doesn't. Yes. No. Yes, but not enough. But MAINLY, vampire boy and wannabe-vampire-girl argue about: I want to be a vampire! (no) should we have sex? (no) Where should we go to college? Are you sure you love me? Sure? For realsies sure? Should we get married? And wheeeeennnnnn will you turn the wannabe into a vampire? Please please please? (no). Then the murderers offscreen turn out to be vampires. 20 pages of vampire-and-werewolf-on-vampire fighting. Good guys win! The end. Dang.

Book 4: confession is that I can't make it all the way through book 4. But I got a good ways in. Enough to say that, well, mutant, hybrid, ultra-strong, rapid-gro babies (with teeth!) born at something like...20 days gestation to a mom who gets pregnant after the first time she has sex with her big old emo vampire husband...pretty much that took me as far as I could get in that series. That and they name the baby something I just can't not mock.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Vampires! Sexist! Sexy!

So...I caved. The hype got to me at last...and a friend loaned me her copy of the famous vampire book for teens (Twilight).

(Not long after I posted this over on Waffles Waffles, a friend sent me The Oatmeal's Twilight review. Much funnier...sigh...)

Anyway, here's my summary:

Her: Wow, it rains here. Bummer. Who is that smouldering-and-impossibly-sexy mysterious man-boy?

Him: I'm a hundred-year-old vampire with super strength, super speed, and powers beyond your dreams. I speak like a gothic romance novel and know everything. Of course, I also go to high school, because would we meet?

Her: (Thump) Dang! Woo! I just tripped. I'm so clumsy! Jeeez!

Him: Mysteriously, that just makes me feel really manly, so please trip or talk about how clumsy you are more. Also, you smell like strawberries. No, wait, heroin. You smell JUST like heroin! Are you scared of me?

Her: (tee hee) Wanna go somewhere alone in a car?

Him: How about a meadow?

Her: Keen! (thump) Gosh! I tripped again!

Him: I will save you from the danger you are to yourself! Because that's what men who don't talk much and are mysterious do!

Her: Hey! Sparkly!

Him: I just ate a grizzly bear!

Her: Wow. Your sparkly sexy magnetic manliness makes me trip over and over again. Also faint. Wait! Why don't I make some very bad decisions to show how much I need YOU to make all the decisions?

Him: You do that. Next time, let VAMPIRE MAN-BOY do it. However, I'll save you again anyway!

Her: My hero! Wanna smell me some more?

Him: (sniff sniff) We are doomed by our doomedy doomed love. But I will be here, beautiful clumsy girl. Unsleeping and nearly catatonic. Forever.

Her: Jeepers! Super neat! Ow! Aw, I tripped again!

Both laugh, smolderingly, as the sun sets over the prom...